Can someone add some laughter to my day?
I'm feeling a little down this evening.
Can someone tell me a good (not dirty) joke or something funny that happened to them?
I need to have a laugh.
"A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"
"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."
"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’
An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot."
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#'ng sheet rock..."
Two years later the man comes back and goes to the same casino. This time he wins money. As he exits the casino, he sees a long line of Taxi drivers.. and at the end is his enemy from two years ago.
Seeing this, the man decides to get his revenge. He goes up to the first Taxi and says: "hey will you give me a *******?" the taxi driver says: "no you freak, get out of my car!"
The man then goes on to the next car and says: "hey will you give me a *******?" the taxi driver says: "no you maniac, get out of my car!" The man continues to do this all down the line until he reaches the last taxi, and sees his enemy.
The man asks: "how much for a ride to the airport?" Not reconising him the driver replies: "$5" "Okay." says the man and he gets in. Then as he passes the line of other taxis, he sticks his hands out the window and gives them all a big thumbs up.
"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."
"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’
An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot."
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#'ng sheet rock..."
Two years later the man comes back and goes to the same casino. This time he wins money. As he exits the casino, he sees a long line of Taxi drivers.. and at the end is his enemy from two years ago.
Seeing this, the man decides to get his revenge. He goes up to the first Taxi and says: "hey will you give me a *******?" the taxi driver says: "no you freak, get out of my car!"
The man then goes on to the next car and says: "hey will you give me a *******?" the taxi driver says: "no you maniac, get out of my car!" The man continues to do this all down the line until he reaches the last taxi, and sees his enemy.
The man asks: "how much for a ride to the airport?" Not reconising him the driver replies: "$5" "Okay." says the man and he gets in. Then as he passes the line of other taxis, he sticks his hands out the window and gives them all a big thumbs up.
A small child walked daily to and from school. Though the weather one morning was questionable and clouds were forming, this child made the daily trek to the elementary school.
As the day progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.
The mother was worried that her child would be frightened walking back home from school, and she herself feared the electrical storm might harm her child.
Following the roar of the thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword. Being concerned, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. Soon she saw her small child walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up at the sky and smile.
One followed another, each time with her child stopping, looking at the streak of light and smiling. Finally, the mother called and asked, "What are you doing!"
Her child answered,
" I'm smiling for God, He keeps taking pictures of me!!!."
As the day progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.
The mother was worried that her child would be frightened walking back home from school, and she herself feared the electrical storm might harm her child.
Following the roar of the thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword. Being concerned, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. Soon she saw her small child walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up at the sky and smile.
One followed another, each time with her child stopping, looking at the streak of light and smiling. Finally, the mother called and asked, "What are you doing!"
Her child answered,
" I'm smiling for God, He keeps taking pictures of me!!!."
his guy is at a locker room inside his gym.
A phone starts ringing across the bench.
He picks up and puts it on speaker.
The woman on the phone says, "Hi, I just found this prada bag for $600 can I buy it?" The woman asked.
The man replies "Of course sweetheart!"
"Oh and I also ran across this house that was $900,000 can we buy it?"
The man replies, "Whatever you want."
Oh and I also found this $300,000 Mercedes can i get it?"
"Sure baby." The man replies.
The woman said,"OK that's all" and hangs up.
All the men in the locker room are staring at him with their mouths wide open.
The man then asked,"Anybody know who's phone this is?"
A phone starts ringing across the bench.
He picks up and puts it on speaker.
The woman on the phone says, "Hi, I just found this prada bag for $600 can I buy it?" The woman asked.
The man replies "Of course sweetheart!"
"Oh and I also ran across this house that was $900,000 can we buy it?"
The man replies, "Whatever you want."
Oh and I also found this $300,000 Mercedes can i get it?"
"Sure baby." The man replies.
The woman said,"OK that's all" and hangs up.
All the men in the locker room are staring at him with their mouths wide open.
The man then asked,"Anybody know who's phone this is?"
Sure Britney.... anything for that smile of yours.
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."
The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."
The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
A man digs his way out of prison. Next door to the prison is a kinder garden; a daycare centre for little kids. The man digs his tunnel and ends up popping up in the sand pit of the daycare centre shouting 'I'm FREE!! IM FREE!! A little kid who was playing near the sand pit shouts back so what i am 4.
this made me laugh:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=na1btkL7e…
this made me laugh:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=na1btkL7e…
A highrise window-cleaner admires his work and steps back......
hahahahaahha...........hehehehehehehehe.… chuckle chuckle. feel better now?
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.